Waves

“Life is a wave, which in no two consecutive moments of its existence is composed of the same particles.” John Tydell

“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
Jon Kabat-Zinn

Lulu was a sounding board for many people. Many of her neighbors looked to her for guidance. I would often listen as she spoke about folks from her apartment complex and the opportunities they were bypassing. She would say “All they gotta do is show up and they can get a computer for their kids.” Lulu was very active in her community and she often tried to coax her neighbors to also become involved. I said “Lulu, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.” She responded with “Dumbasses are too lazy to even bend down and take a sip.” We laughed at that. We laughed so much about so much. When I remember those laughs, the waves of sadness engulf me once again and I wonder when am I going to feel okay again? When am I not going to feel that emptiness in the middle of my chest?

When someone close to you dies suddenly, it alters your brain. Today marks the one year anniversary of my friend, Lulu’s, death. For months after she died I was crippled emotionally by her loss. I would begin texting her and the reality of her absence on this Earth hit me like a wave. I felt like I was drowning from the sheer force of the grief. The feelings were unpredictable. One day I was fine and the next I was silently crying in the bathroom.

Like waves, grief can crest. There are the tsunami like waves that come out of nowhere and flood your thoughts and cause a temporary paralysis of all things happy. They roll over your soul like a thunderstorm in summer and make a sunny day seem so very gloomy. Sometimes, if I’m lucky, the wave is gentle and I can almost hear her talking to me. The wave engulfs me and the warm fuzzies of our friendship are revisited.

Like the waves of an ocean, grief can be both beautiful and terrifying. Selfishly, I am still angry that God took Lulu from this world. However, I am grateful that he saw fit to bond us with a friendship forged through the tribulations of single motherhood. One can be angry at God and still have faith in HIS word. I am human after all am I not?

So I will learn to surf those waves that come and try desperately to remember her voice. I will continue to “talk” to her when I’m feeling blue and share with her all my successes. I miss you friend so much.