As many of you know, I was a single mom with all three of my children. Whether by choice or circumstance, I was doing my thing with three little humans. Each of them with distinct personalities and opinions, all of them loved unconditionally by their mama.
There are two fathers in this story. If you know me personally, then you know their names. If you don’t know me, their names are really not important. What is important, is that I created lives with two very different men. They both shaped my life in very different and surprising ways. Their super strong swimmers made it up the very clogged left Fallopian tube and made me a mommy. I am thankful for that “gift” and I am even thankful for the memories of my time with each creator.
The term “relationship” does not quite define what I had with each creator. Creator #1 was a knight in plaid armor with a scorpion bolo tie. That bolo tie was the butt of many jokes amongst my squad, however, Creator #1 sported that bad boy like it was the Hope Diamond. Our “Meet Cute” was unconventional to say the least. Cliché, but unconventional at the same time…….thus defining our life together for over three decades. My cousin was celebrating her birthday at a local nightclub that my squad and I frequented. We were always greeted by name and rarely paid for drinks. Of course, it was our go to spot for a good time. My cousin was dressed to the nines and looking fierce when she was mistaken for some woman that had possibly been a homewrecker or done something to someone’s baby daddy, we never got the whole story, nor did we care. What we were pissed about was the silly girls attempt at manhandling my cousin. The owners and the manager were our friends and they did not take kindly to one of the squad being bothered, especially on her birthday. The woman and her friends were escorted out and the knight in plaid was assigned to stand guard over our table for the rest of the night. As the squad headed to the dance floor, I stayed behind to finish my drink and people watch. The guy I was dating was at work and I wasn’t in the mood to socialize with people other than the squad, so I stayed in my seat and drank my drink. Sir Plaid of Scorpion Bolo stood quietly gazing into the crowd, keeping an eye for my cousin and our squad. I attempted to make conversation with him and he politely answered my questions without making eye contact with me. He told me his name and that he was new on the job. I offered my name and he said “I know who you are and I know who your friends are too.” His voice had this oddly sexy deep timbre. He was tall, portly and weirdly dressed and I found him interesting. Later that evening he decided I was worthy of conversation and asked “Where’s your boyfriend? That tall white dude is your boyfriend, right?” I nodded yes and then said “Working”. The fact that he knew about my boyfriend and the names of my squad, made me realize he was new AND informed. Our banter was light and we revealed nothing about each other. He kept me company and watched over the squad. Six months later, he changed my life forever.
After my break up with my boyfriend, I was not looking to get back into the dating scene. One of the squad was celebrating yet another birthday and this time Creator #1 was providing transportation. Did I mentioned he owned a limousine? One of his many side hustles. He agreed to cart us around town for free with the stipulation that “one of you needs to be nice to me”. Easy peasy. We unanimously chose one of the squad that was very free with her love and she wore it like a badge of honor. Turns out, Sir Plaid had other ideas and chose me. I made him aware that we had chosen Free Love for him and he simply stated “Nope, you.” It is important to know that I have a type. Pretty boys, pretty boys, pretty boys. He was not a pretty boy nor was he a man that I would purposely seek out. He was however, a great listener, that stored information and applied it when the situation called for a stealth move. I was still licking my wounds from the break up and he was offering me a good time, no strings attached. I was wary but I agreed to a date. We went to Baby Acapulco’s and he mentioned something about “and people call me Big Cat because of my two different colored eyes.” I immediately looked up from my plate and stared into his eyes for the first time. I had know him for almost three months and never noticed the eyes. He laughed so hard when I quipped “Well, no one can say I am dating you for your looks, because apparently, I don’t know what the hell you look like!”
Creator #1 was good for my ego. He flattered me with compliments, took me out to memorable dinners and surprised me by getting under my skin. My transitional boy had erased the heartache of “him.” Less than a year into the “relationship” I found myself pregnant. I was elated and confused. I was told at nineteen that conceiving was unlikely due to the severe scar tissue on my fallopian tubes from endometriosis. I was twenty five years old and unmarried. In the brown world, I was a spinster. Taking care of people is my jam and I have been responsible for other humans my whole life. The human the creator and I made would be mine to love, to teach, to cherish and to above all things, respect.
Creator #1 needed to be told of my pregnancy. The problem with that was he was in Florida with his latest flavor of the month and was thinking about staying in Florida. I wanted to speak to him face to face and deliver the news but instead it was a five minute conversation over the phone, that ended with Sir Plaid of Bolo Tie saying something like, “We weren’t dating exclusively and I hope everything turns out okay for you.” Oddly enough I was relieved. No strings attached. No man to tell me how to parent my child or complicate my life. It would be me and my baby and I was okay with that.
My first son was born on October 28, 1994. Eight pounds and fourteen ounces of pure love. A head full of hair and alabaster skin courtesy of the Creator’s maternal side, I would learn later. One of three of the best things I will ever do in my lifetime. He was mine and I was his, por vida.
On November 25, 1994, three days shy of his one month birthday, my son met his Creator. The meeting went well and conversation flowed easily. The Creator made promises I knew were unlikely to be kept, but I played along for the child’s sake. The Creator meant well and his heart was in the right place, but both he and I knew deep down that we were two ships passing in the night and the brief moment we had, resulted in an amazing bouncing boy that would be solely my responsibility for the next eighteen years old.
Unbeknownst to him, Creator #1 had given me three more wonderful humans to love. His parents and his sister soon became part of my family and they all cherished the boy as much as I did. The Creator’s creator was my absolutely favorite! He was openly affectionate and always greeted me with a hug and a kiss on the forehead. That man loved me and showed me love unlike my own creator. The Creator’s creator and I would sit on the porch with Mama Creator and literally watch traffic go by, occasionally waving at random folks and then asking each other “Who was that?” Living with the Creator’s creators was one of the most nurturing times in my life. As the mother of Creator Jr. I was honored and respected and I reciprocated that love and respect. Some of my happiest days were spent chatting with the Creator’s creator. My heart shattered in a million pieces the day he died. The Creator’s sister and I held each of his hands as he drew his last breath. Shortly before his passing he told us both “Don’t cry. I’m okay.” I cried harder. Shamelessly I cried because I thought “What am I going to do without you?” Ten years with the older Creator had not been enough. How I wish he could have seen the boy grow up. Our son’s love of golf was inherited by his grandsire. From the time our son could walk, the older creator would have him in the yard with pitch and putt drills. The older creator stole my heart and I was able to experience the love of a father because of him. I am thankful everyday for that opportunity.
But back to Creator #1. As the years flew by, I was basically a wife without a marriage certificate. The Creator entrusted me with his secrets, his parents and his life. We did not cohabitate, however, the Creator was only a phone call away. He would leave money for “the boy” and money for his parents. “Go get them some groceries or see if Mom needs anything.” We had an understanding and oddly enough we built a friendship that has lasted almost thirty years. There were many conflicts between the Creator and I but we always managed to work through the bullshit. I understand now that although we love each other, neither of us has ever been in love with one another. Our relationship was built on a baby boy, two elderly folks that I adored and an incredibly intelligent sister creator. I am able to ME with this man and that speaks volumes. He has his issues, as do we all, however, he has been the constant man in my life that speaks the truth, even when I do want to hear it. This man is demanding, selfish and arrogant but he is always there to champion me. Sir Plaid of Scorpion Bolo has many, many faults, please do not think that I do not know of these faults, however, he is transparent in his actions and that’s a game we are able to play together.
The Creator will never win a “Father of the Year Award” from me or my child, but he does qualify for the “I Did the Best with What I Could” award. Expectations were minimal and I was capable of picking up the slack because I had always said “he was just a guy that donated sperm” even though he wasn’t aware of it at the time. That donation influenced my life in a big way. Some days in a good way and some days, not. Creator #1 did not ask for fatherhood. In the early years of our son’s life, I reminded myself of that often because Creator #1 expectations were unrealistic. By that I mean, I was the mom and he was the dad and the dad could go have a life and the mom, as the mother of Creator Jr, was expected to stay at home, assist with the care of the Creator’s creators and be readily available, if you catch my drift. Don’t get me wrong, I played along for a time before realizing I was “bought and paid for” and I ain’t THAT girl! When the light bulb went off, there was friction between the Creator and I . Words were said that were very hurtful and the Creator and I were “untangled”. I was “free” but eternally connected to the man with the Scorpion Bolo Tie because I had chosen to replicate Creator #1 seed. Over time, we learned to speak to each other with brutal honesty, making sure each of us understood our place in the bizarre relationship in which we found ourselves.
The irony is not lost on me that this man, that I knew for a hot minute, is one of my dearest friends, while Creator #2, a childhood confidant is no longer in my life. You’ll read that story soon. Creator #1, I realized, was a man I needed to meet at the time I met him. I was broken and I was unsure and he reminded me that I was a girl that just needed a swift kick in the ass after a break-up that as I reflect on now, wasn’t as devastating as my young self thought. The break-up had zapped me of my confidence and I was off my game for a bit. But that uncertain time, made me a mother and it that in turn made me the best person I could ever be. I was forced to explore the world in ways I had never dream of doing so. I was making decisions for myself and another human. It was quite humbling and super exciting. You see, I promised myself as Creator Jr grew in my belly, that I would do everything completely opposite of my own creators. I would see and hear my child. I would hug and kiss my child. I would comfort and console my child. I would tell my child that they were loved everyday, so there was never a doubt and most importantly, if anyone tried to harm my child, they would feel my wrath. Think Farrah Fawcett in The Burning Bed. I am ever grateful to Creator #1 and every time I look in to our son’s eyes, I see the purpose of God’s plan and I am shook.
When The Little Brown Girl Unpacked 